


Free Samples

by anonymousAlchemist



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, and buys groceries, continued from tumblr, i guess people have feelings in the costco, i guess that happens too, i have no good explanation for 3k of costco trip, just.......look....its exactly what it says it is, thats it thats the fic, the team goes to costco
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 06:36:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12501080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousAlchemist/pseuds/anonymousAlchemist
Summary: They go to Costco on Friday afternoons because that's when Costco has the most samples. Technically they have more on Saturdays, but there are too many crowds on Saturdays and crowds make Barry nervous.Magnus goes to Costco to buy pet supplies in bulk. Lup goes to Costco to get groceries. Barry and Taako go to Costco because they refuse to let Lup out of their sight for more than fifteen minutes at a time these days. Lucretia goes because Magnus makes her go because she never buys groceries otherwise. Angus is coming because despite being "the world's greatest detective," nobody wants to leave him alone at home. Merle goes because he has two children. Davenport goes because somebody has to drive the car.Also, he's the only one who technically has a Costco membership.





	Free Samples

**Author's Note:**

> i unironically love costco, tbh. thanks wda for spawning this, love yall. 
> 
> Technically in the same continuity as @["The New Kid," ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11829225/chapters/26696520)but that's irrelevant to this story.

They go to Costco on Friday afternoons because that's when Costco has the most samples. Technically they have more on Saturdays, but there are too many crowds on Saturdays and crowds make Barry nervous.

Magnus goes to Costco to buy pet supplies in bulk. Lup goes to Costco to get groceries. Barry and Taako go to Costco because they refuse to let Lup out of their sight for more than fifteen minutes at a time these days. Lucretia goes because Magnus makes her go because she never buys groceries otherwise. Angus is coming because despite being "the world's greatest detective," nobody wants to leave him alone at home. Merle goes because he has two children. Davenport goes because somebody has to drive the car.  
  
Also, he's the only one who technically has a Costco membership.

"You guys are adults, I'm not actually your father," Davenport complains as he shows his card to the Costco employee at the entrance and they walk in. "You could get your own Costco membership."

"Sure, Dadenport," Lup says, pushing the cart.

"Its kind of nice, though!" Magnus says cheerfully.

"Lulu, stop pushing for a sec, I wanna sit in the cart," Taako says.

Lup stops pushing. Taako climbs in the cart. The Costco employee sort of looks like he wants to say something.

"Hell yeah," Taako says. "Lets rock and roll."

Lup pushes the cart, and Taako, into the Costco. Everyone else follows them in.

 

* * *

 

"So what's our game plan," Magnus says, as they walk past the electronics.

"It's not a Rebound match," Taako says in disgust. "It's grocery shopping, Maggie, you just go where your heart takes you."  
"So long as your heart eventually takes us by the refrigerators, babe," Lup says. "We're out of eggs."  
"I have a list!" Barry says, fumbling in his pockets for the grocery list.  
"Where we're going, we don't need a list," Magnus says, and takes the cart from Lup and pushes it toward the snack aisles.

 

* * *

 

The Costco snack aisle is a series of primary colored cardboard bricks, all of which hold delicious (and not so delicious) snacks. Magnus wheels the cart over with purpose. Other shoppers swerve out of the way. They're kind of a big group.

"We have actual groceries to buy," Davenport says, without any real irritation. If this is the most off-track the grocery trip gets, then he will consider this endeavor a successful mission.

"Live a lil, Cap'nport," Lup says. "Actual groceries after snacks! I'm a chef. I know how food works, and that's definitely how food works."

"Can most deffo confirm," Taako says. "Barold, can you grab the Fantasy Oreos for me?"

"Uh, get them yourself," Barry says.

"I'm sitting in the cart," Taako says, gesturing to his position in the middle of the cart. "Ango. As my most trusted magic apprentice, can you—"

"No sir!" Angus says, and then looks surprised he was able to say no to Taako.

Magnus pats him on the head. "Good job, Angus." Taako turns over his shoulder to stare at Magnus.

"You're turning him against me!" Taako gasps.

"Yep," Magnus says. "But I'll get you the Oreos."

"Just kidding, you're my favorite," Taako says, and watches as Magnus walks down the aisle to pick up an industrial-sized box of oreos, along with a thing of pretzels. He dumps them in Taako's lap.

"Thanks," Taako says.

Lup and Barry walk back out of another aisle and drop a bag of pistachios and two things of spicy chips on Taako.

"THANKS," Taako says. Lup pats his head.

"Anyone else want anything from here? Ango, baby, you have anything you want?" Lup looks over at Angus, who shakes his head. Merle drops a box of those snack-sized chips next to Taako.

"Oh wait, hold up," Magnus says, and runs over to the granola bars and picks up a box. He tries to place the box on the precariously balanced pile of snacks on Taako's lap. Taako slaps his hand away and pushes the snacks off his lap.

"Okay, no more of this bullshit, cha'boy's out," he says, climbing out of the cart. Magnus shrugs and puts the box in the cart, glancing at Lucretia.

"I got you the brand you like, okay?" he says.

 

* * *

 

 Davenport takes charge of the cart and steers them back into the normal flow of a Costco trip — surprisingly effectively, considering his height. Produce aisle first. He stops the cart near the berries.

"Alright, meet back here in a bit," he says. "I'll stay with the cart, but someone get me a thing of tomatoes, and a bag of apples." The crew nods. He's using his captain-voice, he realizes. "Okay, and break."

The crew splits up — Barry and Lup head for the vegetables, Taako for the fruit, Angus trailing Magnus to the pastries, and Merle to the weird fruit. Lucretia kind of stands by, awkwardly. Davenport glances at her.

"Nothing you need to buy?" he says. She shrugs. "I can pick up the stuff you need, if you want?" The statement trails off into a question awkwardly.

Davenport thinks about Lucretia over the past decade. In the fuzz of half-articulated memories that he can parse from the half-aware state he was in (Thinking about it makes him angry. It always does), he doesn't remember her being particularly good about groceries, or eating at normal times.

"That'd be appreciated. And go make sure Magnus doesn't just buy cake," he says. "And buy yourself something too."

She nods, and leaves.

 

* * *

  

Angus trails Magnus to the bread section, right next to the produce. Magnus notices him trailing and starts walking a little slower.

"What are we here to buy, sir?" Angus says. Magnus hums a bit and says, "Well, that's a great question, Ango. I mostly wanted to see if they had cake samples." He figures that the the others have actually picking up groceries covered.

Rows of industrial-sized cookies, croissants, and other baked goods cover tables. Stacks of bread. Costco is where serving sizes come to die. And near the refrigerated desserts, there's a Costco employee dishing out little cups of something. Magnus leans down. Angus looks up at him.

"Okay, here's how we're doing this, Ango, you listening?"  
Angus nods.

"I'm going to grab three cups and say that they're for people. You're going to grab four cups, because you're an adorable child, and it's socially acceptable for you to do so. Got it?"

"Why are we doing this, sir?" Angus asks.

"Angus, the whole point of Costco is eating as many samples as you can," Magnus explains.

"Also groceries. But mostly samples."

Angus looks skeptical. It's charming. Magnus pats his head.

"Listen, would you rather have more cake, or less cake?"

"More, I guess?"

"Right," Magnus nods, and starts walking over to the cake samples. Angus follows him.

The Costco employee looks a little starstruck. She must recognize them. She's a consummate professional, though, and only nods as he smiles and takes the little cups of cake. Magnus grabs a fourth — what the hell, he saved the world. He deserves a little cake. Angus follows his instructions and also grabs a bunch of cups.

"Pretty sure you're only supposed to take one," a voice from behind him says. He turns around — careful not to drop the cups.

"Oh, hi Lucretia!" he says, and is immediately distracted because the cups are not filled with cake, they're filled with pie. "Oh shit!"

"What?" Lucretia asks, looking worried. He gives her the fourth cup. Oh well.

"They have pie again! I'm going to buy like, five of these babies."

Lucretia snorts. "No wonder Captain told me to keep you from buying cake."

"Well, I'm buying pie," Magnus says. "So he doesn't have to be worried."

That gets a smile out of her, just as planned. He smiles back.

"No, but seriously. I'm buying pie. Also, you're taking half of it. This thing's fucking huge."

 

* * *

 

As they walk into walk-in fridge, Lup holds his hand. Barry smiles, and holds hers tightly. Cool air brushes over the two of them.

It's a miracle, being able to be able to touch his wife after all this time. He used to think that they had forever, Barry thought. And then he thought that they would never have any time at all.

"Barr? What are you thinking about?" Lup says. "Also, what are we buying."

"Uh, I'm just thinking about how its nice that we can do stuff like this. You know, shopping and stuff." he says. "Uh. Vegetables?"

Lup snorts. "Okay, you're on carrying duty, then."

Barry doesn't want to let go of Lup's hand, so he doesn't. She doesn't let go either, and does all the grocery shopping one-handed, instead. She passes him vegetables, he holds them. He spaces out a little, just watching the other people, with their carts and their kids, picking up packages of spinach and peppers and etcetera. He wonders whether that might be them, someday (he carefully does not think about a little half-elf baby, tiny pointed ears, with his eyes and Lup's smile).

"Hey babe?" Lup's voice is strangled. Barry whirls around.

She's fine, though. Her face is all scrunched up with mirth, and she's holding up a squash, and it looks like, oh jeez —

"We're showing this to everyone else immediately," Barry says, and Lup bursts into laughter. He loves her so much.

 

* * *

 

"What are you doing to those avocados?" Lucretia asks, pausing next to Merle. He's holding up a mesh bag of fruit to his face, peering at it with his one good eye.

"You have any idea how to tell if these are ripe?" Merle asks.

"You faced down Johnny Vore and saved the world, and you can't even pick a ripe avocado," Lucretia says, completely straightfaced. "Merle, you disgust me."

Merle puts the avocados down and pats her hip.

"Well, that's what I keep you guys around for. Can you?"

"No," she admits. She's carrying a box of tomatoes, and a bag of apples.

"Thought so," he said. "Hey, after you put those in the cart, go help Taako, would ya?" He gestures to the opposite side of the produce section where Taako is peering at clamshells of fruit.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?" Lucretia says. Merle shrugs.

"Kid can't carry everything he's gonna wanna buy," he says.

"Do I have to?" Lucretia says. Merle laughs, not unkindly.

"Now you just sound like Mavis."

"Fine," Lucretia says, acutely aware that she sounds like a teenage girl. She walks away from Merle. He watches her leave, bag of avocados in hand.

She's got better posture than she used to, he thinks.

 

* * *

 

"I'm still fucking pissed at you," Taako announces, as Lucretia approaches him.

"You should be," Lucretia says, picking a tray of... some sort of fruit, just so that she has something to do with her hands. "I'm surprised you're even okay with me being here."

He gives her a look. A patented "Taako is disgusted by you and your choices" look. Lucretia is acutely familiar with this facial expression.

"Do you even know what you're holding? Give me that," he says, and she hands him the fruit.

"You won't like this, it's way too sour. Get a papaya or something instead. Wait, do you even know how to cut one of those?"

"No," Lucretia admits.

"Thought so," Taako says, and hands her a plastic clamshell of nectarines instead.

 

* * *

 

"Gather round kids," Lup says as she and Barry walk back to the cart carrying armfuls of containers of produce. She dumps her stuff in the cart. "Cha'girl has a surprise to show you."

"Ooh, surprises," Taako says. "Fuck yeah, whatcha got for us?"  
Lup grins and pulls out the squash out of the pile of vegetables that Barry is carrying. Taako starts applauding. Magnus laughs. Lucretia covers Angus's eyes.

Merle squints. "That squash looks exactly like a penis," he says, musingly.

"Merle, I will give you real money if you would please never say the word 'penis' again," Lucretia says.

"So, we're buying that, right?" Magnus says.

"We're not buying that," Davenport says.

"We're buying it," Lup says.

 

* * *

 

They amble past the meat, the cheese — Lup darts over to pick up a couple of industrial-size packages of various types of beef and a salmon side, Taako picks up a package of chicken. Magnus and Barry wander off to grab samples, taking Angus with them.

It's weirdly peaceful, Merle thinks. They didn't ever go grocery shopping together on the ship, really. Or on the moonbase. Maybe he should bring his kids next time. Family bonding, or something.

He watches Barry grab three small cups of hummus and chips, and walk over to give two of them to Lup and Taako. Lup gives Barry a kiss on the cheek. Taako also gives Barry a theatrical kiss on the cheek. Merle laughs quietly. It's nice to see that some things don't change.

"Kids turned out alright," Merle remarks to Davenport, who rolls his eyes and smiles.

 

* * *

 

Lup and Taako walk arm in arm down the rows of freezers and fridges.

"So what are we getting here?" Taako asks.

"Well, shit. I thought you knew," Lup says. "Oh, wait, I need eggs."

"Okay," Taako says, and they veer off toward the fridge that has eggs.

Eggs, stacked higher than they stand. Lup yanks the door open,

"You know, this place would have been like, practically paradise when we were kids," Lup remarks. Never enough money, always on the road, half their meals were whatever they could scrounge at rest-stops or beg off of a relative. The idea of Costco, of buying whatever they want, whenever they needed it, would have been completely foreign to them.

"Yeah," Taako says. "Who ever thought we'd go domestic?"

"Me and Barry, you and Krav," Lup says, sing-song. "When ya gonna tie the knot, broseph?"

"Shut up!" Taako says. He's blushing.

 

* * *

 

As they leave the refrigerators, Magnus looks longingly at the aisles filled with the less perishable goods.

"We already got snacks, we're not getting more snacks," Davenport says, because somebody has to be the grownup.

"Yeah, but I forgot to get those crispy cheese things," Magnus says in an entirely reasonable tone of voice. "And they weren't over there, so they're going to be over here."

"Don't you also need peanut butter? For the dogs?" Lucretia says, cocking her head. Magnus slaps his forehead. "Shit, you're right! Thanks, Luce."

"This is why we make lists," Barry says, with the voice of a man fighting a losing battle. Magnus swings a hand over his shoulder. "No, this is why you make lists. I just forget things, like a cool person."

"Just go get your peanut butter," Barry says, pinching the space between his eyes. Lup giggles, and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. 

 

* * *

 

They stare at the long lines that lead to the cashiers. It's as if all of Faerun has descended upon this warehouse. 

"Are we paying separately or together?" Barry asks.

"I'm the only one who has a card," Davenport says wearily, for the thousandth time. It's been hours. They have this discussion every time they go to Costco.

"Doesn't matter, we're all loaded," Lup says dismissively. "Who paid last time?"

General murmuring. The line inches closer to the register. Taako groans. "Fine, jeez, I'll pay. Y'all owe me hella. I'm not carrying shit."

He passes Davenport his Taako(tm) Platinum Pass Card, and turns to Angus.

"C'mon, bubele, let's ditch these losers and go get frozen yogurt." Angus grins and nods.

"Get me a churro!" Lup calls as they walk over. Taako raises a hand in assent.

"I'm going to the alcohol section," Lucretia says.  
"Ooh, I'll come," Lup says, and the two of them peel off from the group to walk over to the separate section where all the wine and spirits are kept.

 

* * *

 

"Should we get the others anything?" Angus says, looking over the large signboard menu. It gleams under the fluorescent lights. The line for the Costco food court is always long, and they're all the way at the end.

"They don't deserve it," Taako says.

"Sir!" Angus says, but without any heat. Taako says this every time they come to Costco.

The line inches forward.

"What sorta froyo you want today, kid?" Taako asks.

"Vanilla," Angus says, like he does every week.

"Jeez, boychik, be more creative," Taako says. "But fine, we'll get you your boring ice cream."

"Thank you, sir," Angus says earnestly. Taako scratches his neck.

"Yeah, whatever kid."

They reach the front of the line, and Taako smiles brightly at the cashier.

"Hi, yeah, yes, I'm Taako, you know, from the apocalypse," Taako says without blinking. "Can I get a large everything pizza, two chicken bakes, a churro, three frozen yogurts — one chocolate, two vanilla — and two orders of fries? Also like, eight sodas."

"Uh," the cashier says. "Can you repeat that?"

Taako sighs theatrically, and repeats it. Angus giggles.

 

* * *

 

Lucretia makes a beeline for the wine. Lup picks up a basket and follows her in. She takes a sample of some sort of tequila and downs it, making a face. The Costco employee judges her. She can tell. He's making that sorta face. She sticks her tongue out at him, and then grabs a second sample and brings it over to Lucretia, who is examining the largest bottle of moscato that Lup has ever seen.

"You sure about that, Lucy?" Lup asks, offering Lucretia the sample. "That's like, hella wine."

Lucretia takes the small cup and sips it, wincing. It's not particularly good, straight.

"It's old grapes," she deadpans. "That's fruit. It's healthy."

"Lucretia," Lup says. "That's not how any of this works."

Lucretia shrugs and puts the bottle of wine in the basket. Lup sighs, and adds a six-pack of the IPA that Barry likes, and a bottle of pomegranate-flavored vodka.

"We should have a wine and cheese night or something, sometime," Lup says. "Like we did on the Starblaster."

They used to have elaborately themed sleepovers, when they got bored. No boys allowed. Sometimes boys allowed. They'd make fancy drinks and pretend that the world wasn't always ending.

"Oh," Lucretia says. "That'd be really nice."

 

* * *

 

"How the hell did we spend eight-hundred gold pieces?!" Magnus exclaims. 

The Costco employee shrugs and checks off their receipt with a magic marker.

 

* * *

 

It's a nice day out. The crew and Angus sit down at one of the picnic benches in front of the food court. Taako ungraciously mage-hands the pizza, etcetera, onto the table. Barry casts a cooling charm on the perishables that they bought. Magnus goes to fill drinks from the soda machine.

"Good work, team," Davenport says.

He's always somewhat surprised when nothing catches fire, breaks, or explodes on outings with the crew. A century of disasters has given him practically pavlovian expectations to seeing them together in one place. But here they are, sitting at the picnic tables, squabbling good-naturedly over pizza and frozen yogurt. It's a better outcome than he hoped for, some days. 

"Thanks, Cap," Merle says, patting him on the shoulder. "Thanks for letting us mooch off your membership."

"Well, captain's got to look out for his crew," Davenport says wryly, and takes a bite of his pizza.

**Author's Note:**

> yeaaaah i dont have an explanation for this one. don't think too hard about how they got to a costco. tell me your thoughts on costco, please, im begging you. 
> 
> come talk about costco or taz i guess with me @[anonymousalchemist](http://anonymousalchemist.tumblr.com/)
> 
> liner notes [here](http://anonymousalchemist.tumblr.com/post/166801649687/free-samples-liner-notes)


End file.
